Worldbuilding Wednesday 9/13/17: Houses of Ill Repute

happy times in a bordello

How do (mostly male) adventurers spend their hard-won leisure time? They might visit a brothel.

Game of Thrones has shown fantasy fans what such a brothel might look like, but whorehouses, or rollicking inns  filled with willing (or working) women have long been a staple of the genre, especially in sword and sorcery. Straight female characters have so far been shut out of the fun, but here’s hoping some creative authors come up with alternatives.

Here’s some randomly generated names to use in your own worldbuilding work.

 

Houses of Ill Repute

Brothels

The Mistress’s Last Moan

The Scarlet Lips

The Dungeon of Endless Spanking

The Siren’s Orgasm

The Honeycomb of Exquisite Whispers

Taunea’s Blushing Palace

The Virgin’s Secret

The Lusty Tower

The Black Velvet Inn

The Four Strokes

Palace of the Punishments

The Queen’s Hundredth Release

The House of Blissful Whispers

Grotto of the Forbidden Cry

The Maze of Irresistible Pleasures

The Emerald Pillow

The Wench’s Happy Groans

Cave of the Nymph

The Trollop’s Four Punishments

The Whore’s Singular Delight

The Lusty Maiden

The Ruby Garden

Prostitutes (Female only)

Velvet Plum

Deep Tongue

Honeycream

Bellona

Talsa the Skilled

Turmeena

Joreva

Mistress Janilla

Shekira

Lady Janda

Zarduna of the Whip

Fara Breedlove

Taleva the Dark Lotus

Cinnamon Moon

Nomeena the Huntress

Misty Blossom

Saroka the Morning Pearl

Karuna the White Opal

Dalzha

Hot Legs

Feather Rose

Fresh Velvet

Eye Irritation

I thought I felt something in my eye!

Worldbuilding Wednesday 9/6/17: Barbarians

A Barbarian ponders some imminent worldbuilding. (conan_the_barbarian_by_uncannyknack-d5y8z00.jpg)

A barbarian ready for action on the battlefield. Note the cleanly picked skeletons.
(Conan the Barbarian, by Uncanny Knack)

Without dispute, pulp author Robert E. Howard invented the fantasy character trope of The Barbarian Hero, specifically with his creation Conan. But the roots were laid before that in the Tarzan tales of Edgar Rice Burroughs and Rudyard Kipling’s Mowgli. Both pitted a stoic, nature-wise man (or boy) of the wilds against corrupt human civilization. Conan went further, though, in his manly-man appetites for pleasure and acclaim.

During the fifty year span of the 1930s to the 1980s the Barbarian remained a popular character among readers, building to a peak in the mid 80s when the trope entered movie blockbuster territory, and popular culture, with Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s depiction in Conan the Barbarian (1982.) In turn that begat Clo-nans like Krull, Beastmaster, Deathstalker, The Sword and the Sorceror, and Ator the Invinceable, all beloved by schlock cinema aficionados, not to mention me. Since it was the 1980s, many of these had a post-apocalyptic theme as well, taking place after some nuclear holocaust as well as in the distant past.

Sadly, The Barbarian Hero declined in popularity after that. His rise and eventual fall is charted excellently here in this post by Castalia House.

But Clo-nans existed way before that, in the heyday of the pulp age. Tarzan beget Jo-Jo of the Jungle, Ki-gor, Ka-Zar, Korak Son of Tarzan, and Turok Man of Stone: meanwhile Kull the Conqueror, Kane, Brak, Wulf, Thongor, Kothar the Barbarian Swordsman, Kane, Vandal, and Dagar gave Howard’s creation a run for his money. The Barbarian was dressed up, as in Michael Moorcock’s angsty Elric of Melnibone series, and dressed down, as in the Saturday morning cartoon Thundarr the Barbarian and before that, The Herculoids. He appeared as an object of fun, as in Fritz Leiber’s Fafhrd stories and the humorous character Conan the Librarian.

Following the very simple rules of Barbarian name generation (lots of Ks and Zs) here are some to use in your own work.

 

Canadian Provinces

Vazkas of Koboria

Strong-Skulled Thygor

Tiger Son Shovung

Zotran the Shaman Prince

Saygor The Viking

Saak the Marauder

Tradak the Demon Prince

Aalach the Ghost Raider

Kysur The Ranger

Naman the White Champion

Mighty-Thewed Thangobo

Cassark the Savage

Panthez of the Jungle

Abraak, the Black Marauder

Tarsur the Defender

Kamuz the Storm Hunter

Samark the Chieftain

Turgor the Challenger

Jondogorn of the Savage Land

Jor-Jor of the Ape Clan

Kindradi of the Lost World

Avung of the Emerald Forest

An-Chan of the Leopard People

Zhalak of the Forgotten Kingdom

Zolaan of the Secret Valley

Tark-Ark of the Wolf Clan

Fire Bringer Shaylak

Mamban of the Cobra

Kazan of the Canyon

Nammak the Nomad

Zardan the Conqueror

Thuvar the Challenger

Tujor, the Blue Demon

Rashtor the River Prince

Janjor the Moon Lord

Panthas the Jungle King

Reek the Raider

Kronsul the Destroyer

Hawk-Eyed Tolak

King Kindrados

Kazan of Tabornia

Fire Speaker Sagan

Tarbo, the Forest Warrior

Jophran the Sun Bringer

Jorjak the Forest Prince

Tigrath the Stone Chief

Kamjor the Forest Warrior

Simbu the Moon Lord

Kronas of the Rainforest

Aragor the Dark Moon Warrior

Thurak the Spirit Warrior

Star Sentry Farder

Dracolich

Undead dragon, or dracolich

The Dracolich, or undead dragon, is the most terrifying and powerful of all dragonkin.
Fortunately they are few and far between.

 

(Rotten Meat, by Edward DeLandre)

Worldbuilding Wednesday 8/30/17: Mundane Fare

Let’s face it. Most of the food in a typical Medieval European kingdom wasn’t very exciting.

This is what gruel looks like.

This is better than most, folks.

Historically, the peasant staple in Europe and the Near East was porridge, which is, basically, a form of oatmeal —  whole grains boiled in water or milk, decanted into a bowl and eaten with a spoon. Its thinner cousin was gruel, which was slurped rather than eaten. Wheat, rye, rice, millet, barley, oats, and hemp served as the base. If you were lucky, you had salt or butter to flavor it, and depending on season, fruit and meat. Porridges and gruels were also made with legumes such as peas and lentils. Modern Indian dhaals and rajmahs, as well as Middle Eastern  hummus, can be considered a form of porridge, albeit with more varied ingredients.

That said, I admit porridge or gruel isn’t very picturesque to write about.

So, here’s a (randomly created) list of realistic but not very exciting food a typical fantasy character might eat, perhaps at home or in some poor inn. The second column is what a character might eat while traveling on a quest. Note that they rely on ingredients that are cheap and easily obtainable.
I guess.

 

Home Cooking

Poached venison and creamed peas

Baked carrots and leeks, served with barley

Cornmeal crackers and a thick, buttery, lentil stew

A generous serving of rabbit with a side of mashed turnip

Goat and lentil soup

Mutton chowder spiced with thyme

Fried buckwheat and parsnip cakes

Whole grain bread and spicy cheese, served with raspberry preserves

Mushrooms simmered in pork stock

Day-old bread topped with creamed herring

Poached fish heads served with pickled turnip

Road Food

Fermented goat’s milk

Stringy sausage made from a suckling pig

A tough, tasteless pie made with fish and onions

Wizard’s blueberry, a pale blue berry with starchy flesh

Trail crackers of wheatberry and dried quince

Cold slices of headcheese and pork

Travel biscuits of wheat and dried fig

Thin slices of sheep’s lungs dried in the sun until hard

Dwarve’s Loaf *

Gulllunga, a hard, crunchy cheese

Dehydrated pear strips

* I will leave it up to you to decide what Dwarve’s Loaf is.

 

Fantasy world utensils and bowls

Authentic tableware for your fantasy world.

Geek X Girls has an amusing version of RPG “Rations” (Food) for various AD&D races, complete with pictures. Gives you an idea of what adventurers might really eat on the road.

If you want to prepare your own gruel, here’s a recipe.

 

Basic Gruel

3 tbs. of groats (any combo of finely crushed grains) or my favorite, grits!
3/4 cup water (more if you like it wetter)
Dash of salt
Little bit of butter, if your character isn’t too poor.

    1. Boil the water and salt in a saucepan on the stove. Slowly stir in groats or grits.
    2. Add butter. Cover the pan and reduce heat to low.
    3. Cook for 5 to 6 minutes, stirring occasionally. If you like your gruel thicker, continue cooking until you have the consistency you like.

 

I eat this dish Mexican-style, topped with hot sauce and grated cheese.

Gummy Bear

This is one treat you don’t want to eat.

 

Gummy Anatomy Toy, by Jason Freeny

Worldbuilding Wednesday 8/23/17: Jungle Girls

Jungle Girls are the female counterpart to Tarzan, Sabu, and countless other wild men and boys clad in flapping loincloths swinging through the trees. Modern interpretations of her began with Rima the Bird Girl, a character in the 1903 novel Green Mansions, which makes her older than Tarzan who debuted in 1912. Like Burrough’s creation she was often an orphan raised in the wilderness by animals or natives, but unlike Tarzan she also appeared as seductress, the wanton Queen or sorceress of a lost civilization. She also played the role of victim for the male adventurer to rescue. Her popularity took off with the pulp and Hollywood age, and she appeared in hundreds of books, adventure magazines, comics, and movie serials. Many incarnations came and went over the years, most forgotten now: Vooda, Nyoka, Lana, Rulah, Taanda, Luana. Sense a pattern here?

Following are some evocative Jungle Girl names writers can use in their own work.

 

Jungle Girls

Black Shayina

Jansa the Jaguar Queen

Nammina of the Jade Jackal

Karida, Lady of the Zebras

Ganzha Queen of Paradise

Thuvoka the Forest Girl

Staranee the Eagle Girl

Thuruma, Princess of the Moon

Fantna, the Black Huntress

Jania, Mistress of the Jungle

Farmeena, Queen of the Forest

Sabra the Rising Witch

Faroka the Falcon Girl

Fanta the Elephant Girl

Turanee the Lion Girl

Nyona the Hyena Girl

Beluna the Dingo Girl

Farida the Leopard Girl

Zanida the Emerald Forest Maiden

Rashalina the Swamp Goddess

Princess Jondanee of the Sighing City

Oyna, the Secret Queen of the trees

Thurra the Gentle Huntress

Mokkira the Divine Mistress of the Moon

Mambalina the Jungle Orchid

Yvezana, White Moon of the Rainforest

Sauma the Blue

Reesa the Barbarian Princess

Warrior Queen Rashika

Aquilia, the Conqueror Queen

Leina of the Lion Clan

Vinmeena, the Viking Princess

Kyzara the Mercenary Princess

Queen Tarona the Savage

Oukana the Sacred Queen

Nozola, the Destroyer Queen

Talkana, the Nomad Princess

Tona the She-Devil

Thuria the Witch Queen

Savage Princess Wiluna

Amazon Queen Rhomeena

Nika, Princess of the Steppe

Green Zanna

Karina, the Witch Princess

Jaydina the Huntress

Alya, Green Ghost of the Forest

Tarmeena the Sorceress

Queen Cassanee of Sarhonistan

Sazha the She-Wolf

Mokkana, Savage Lioness of the Plains

Xenasa, the Mountain Pearl

Ganthonga of the Witch Kingdom

Our Trash Will Eat Us

…eventually. All things take time.

 

(artwork by Phil McDermott)