Worldbuilding Wednesday 1/24/18: Useless Magic Items

(Artwork by Dchan)

There are those magic items that are very helpful to a character, and those that aren’t. Here are some that did not make the grade into regular adventuring use.


Useless Magic Items

Ashestes’s Garrulous Ass: Renders an ass or donkey capable of speech. Unfortunately, the animal doesn’t stop talking for the duration of the spell.

Harpoon of Flea Slaying: This cumbersome weapon allows the wielder to slay any single flea.

Soft Nose of the Hawk: Enables the caster to smell as well as a hawk. (Note that hawks are not known for their keen sense of smell.)

Wand of Zestful Folding: On direction folds clean laundry to be stored in a closet.

Backward Saddle of the Unicorn: Enables the possessor to ride any unicorn in reverse.

Tome of Deadly Breath: Contains formulas for creating halitosis in the reader.

Ceirba’s Hirsute Flowers: Causes flowers to grow hair instead of petals.

Ring of Gnome Vibration: Causes all gnomes in the immediate area to twitch rapidly.

Manual of Wondrous Bubbles: A tome for the creation of artistic soap bubbles.

Staff of Ophidian Fashion: On a command word, this item clads the user in clothing made of snakeskin.

Tanad’s Sneezing Bellows: Instead of forcing out air normally, this item sneezes it all over the place.

Ballista of Squirrel Attack: Pelts the target with dozens of small, hard nuts.

Jar of Dragon Amputation: Magically preserves the amputated body part of any dragon, as long as it fits inside.

The Toad Straps of Twicknaut: These enchanted straps enable a toad to be securely fastened to any conveyance.

Cedrobel’s Insidious Rainbows: Creates continual rainbows around the user or target as long as the spell lasts.

Hammock of Invertebrate Napping: When any insect, mollusk, or other non-boned creature enters this hammock, it immediately falls asleep. Applies also to giant amoebas, jellies, puddings, etc.

Chimeric Bowl of Catnip: A large bowl full of catnip that continually changes its appearance to thwart household pets. Note, however, that most felines will be able to detect it by smell.

Folio of Fairy Leather: Details how to skin and tan the hide of small creatures like fairies, pookas, etc.

Clownish Fart of the Kitten: Causes any young feline in the area to emit an amusing fart. Also effects feline monsters such as chimeras and weretigers.

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