The last thing the oceanographer saw.
(Concept art from the Syfy movie Dinoshark)
Worldbuilding Wednesday, 8/9/17: Bureaucracies
Portrait of Auster Denoerval, by Virginie Carquin
Fantasy organizations are not limited to the grandiose and world-shaking. Scores of bureaucratic organizations run silently beneath the surface, serving to frustrate and stymie your characters in pursuit of their goals. Terry Pratchett, Franz Kafka, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Stanislaw Lem, and J. K. Rowling all used them to good effect. Often they also serve as humorous interludes, as in Douglas Adams’ Hitchhiker series. Can they be satirical or offer social commentary? You bet. Often a minor character appears who offers up some pompous resume tidbit, and with this in mind, I created a list of impossible and not-so-impossible bureaucracies below.
Bureaucracies
| Division of Unmentionable Mummification
Ministry of Reptilian Petrification Department of Gustatory Purity Task Force for the Relinquishment of Religious Idols National Institute of Mercantile Transformation Regional Institute of Virtuous Education Managerial Division of Domestic Communication Imperial Task Force on Strategic Studies Federal Task Force for the Creation of Healthy Aesthetics Managerial Institute for Strategic Hygiene Druidic Hearing on Intelligent Horticulture Bureau of Eldritch Battlecraft Imperial Federation of Paranormal Persuasion Federal Division of Philosophical Inquiry Civic Bureau of Artful Labor Imperial Institute of Human Love Robust Hearing on Witches’ Adventuring Federal Institute of Magical Freedom Managerial Bureau of Insidious Comedy Imperial Commission for Free Athletics Managerial Commission on Spiritual Freedom National Institute of Mercantile Management |
Bureaucracies also include scholarly societies as might be found associated with a college or university.
Scholarly Societies
| Bindenum Institute of Ophidian Intelligence
Imperial Task Force for the Study of Military Oddities Royal Academy of Archaic Discoveries Crossneedle Royal Campaign for Demonic Rights League of Imperial Scholars The Order of Hooded Sages Professors of the Phlegmatic Trillium Bright Wheels Literary Society College of the Iron Laurel Studious Society of Perfumed Fools Way of the Fiery Wheel Students of the Fulsome Heart Scholars’ Conference on Gently Persuading Religious Literature Sage’s Conference on Progressive Legendary Diseases The Blacksmiths of Literature Drovers of Civilization Tricksters of Intelligence Buskers of Warcaft The Flaming Faction of Hell’s Scholars The Eternal League of Skywise Scholars Imperial Academy of Draconian Discoveries Academy of Dignified Military Education |
Laughter
They are laughing at you always.
And they never stop.
Worldbuilding Wednesday 8/2/17: Inns, Taverns, and Eateries
The Granddaddy of all Fantasy fiction tropes must surely be the Medieval Inn, with its open hearths and wenches in low-cut bodices, unsavory characters lurking about, and bowls of hot stew. (No less a luminary than Tolkien created the seminal template with The Prancing Pony.)
In truth, inns served a vital function in the Medieval/Renaissance world. Travel and commerce were becoming more common, and at the same time, highwaymen and robbers began to make open-air camping unsafe near settled areas. Where there was a business need, then as now, a business sprang up to serve it. The hospitality and food inns served was diverse, depending on the area’s resources and its wealth.
Here’s a list of randomly generated inn names you can use in your own works, and a list of House Specialties they might serve to their hungry patrons.
Inns, Taverns, and Eateries
| The Grotto of the Dark Virgin
The Merry Peacock The Whistling Fox Retreat The Longshoreman’s Treasure The Double Apple Inn Bunker of the Foolish Dragon The Windlass The Laughing Moon The Bard’s Dogfish The Four Bottles Alehouse The Monk’s Tumbling Mug The Sapphire Phoenix The Whistling Horse Inn The Dagger and the Pearl Four Mugs Hideaway The Minstrel’s Jewels The Tipsy Pine Golden Dragon Tavern The Black Star Inn Inn of the Sleeping Moon The Admiral’s Blue Haven |
Mermaid’s Golden Alehouse
Keep of the Prudent Virgin The Happy Basilisk The Captain’s Crab Shanty of the Puzzled Mug The Silver Compass Alehouse of the Blue Dog Fifty Crown Alley The Grinning Raven The Mermaid’s Flying Anchor The Stumbling Weasel Inn The Thirsty Frigate The Salty Cockerel The Prince’s Plow The Wench’s Dirty Dungeon The Fainting Gypsy Retreat of the Four Jewels The Pirate’s Plot The Singing Shark Tavern Manor of Dancing Spirits The Golden Dog |
On the Menu… (House Specialties)
| Devil’s Pudding: Pureed mussels and collard greens.
Goodwive’s Wonder: Slow-roasted bacon glazed with raspberry juice and the whites from goose’s eggs. Poslim: Eel and pumpkin stew. Geltonshaft: A creamy cheese with a red-orange rind. Gorgon’s Omelet: Slow-roasted gizzards glazed with berry juice and scramble-fried with hen’s eggs. Blueberry Sinner: A nutty ale from the east. Dibbleqat: Fermented goat’s milk sweetened with apple-quince syrup. Duke’s Dice: An alcoholic drink made from bulgur mash beer mixed with milk. Peach Wonder: A delicious ale from the far south. Whore’s Stew: Roasted fish mixed with collard greens. Dascups: Fried oat and garbanzo bean cakes. Savorfern: A savory pasty cheese made from mare’s milk. Grundyrice: Thin slices of suckling pig dried in the sun until chewy. Vanbittant: Cold fermented kefir blended with mead. Scullylunga: A soft, filling cheese flavored with lemon. Spinsalt: A starchy white cheese made from unicorn milk. Dashobble: A dark, pasty tea brewed from alini leaves. Scaddylak Scarlet: A local beer. Dame’s Cross: Frothy cucumber juice flavored with nutmeg. Gobblelunge: Fried goat with pickled mushrooms. Gods’ Broth: Slow-roasted pork soup decorated with the whites from chicken’s eggs. Funnack: Roasted pike stuffed with boiled broad beans. Bobbleflan: Roasted tripe served with lentils. Rummyborne: A northern brandy that tastes of cherry and fennel. Caskdrop: A local beer. Raspberry Envy: A bright pink alcoholic beverage brewed from hyzenberries. Scullybeck: A soft cheese flavored with bacon. |
Black Queen III
The Black Queen’s personal life was full of misery, which was odd for such
a powerful figure. Sad to say, she wasn’t above taking it out
on her slaves.
Worldbuilding Wednesday, 7/26/17: Secret and Arcane Societies
Necromancy, by Lyndsey Hayes
Secret societies are a mainstay in popular fiction. (Just look at Dan Brown.) In fantasy and science fiction, we have the Bene Gesserit, The Dharma Initiative, The Talamasca, The Sith.
In mundane life, there are many, from the sinister to the accepted. Freemasons are one. But there’s also Aleister Crowley’s occult group Order of the Golden Dawn, the mystical St. Germaine Foundation, The Skull & Bones Society of Yale, and the Opus Dei of the Catholic Church. They may be secular, commercial, community, or spiritual in nature. Often their membership is restricted, and members cannot speak of what goes on in them.
Here’s a list of randomly-generated names you can use for your own.
Secret and Arcane Societies
| Brothers of Euphoria
Association of the Shadowed Sword Starry Institute of the Bright Seafarer Egalitarian Sanctum of Enchanters Mothers of Fate Coven of the Stringless Lute Brotherhood of the Savage & Wondrous The Starry Disciples of Sidefess Minions of Solitude Enclave of the Emerald The Elder Syndicate of Dracotis Union of the True Lantern The Mist & Lightning Society Citadel of the Iron Mage Legion of the Scarlet Pyramid The Minds of Profane Silence Beauty of Ancient Ivory The Golden Solitude Apotheosis of Ash Diviners of the Chimeric Veil Legion Primal Clay Order of Unconventional Fire Utopia Of Hidden Beauty Heaven’s Minions The Nuanced Silence The Looking Glass |
Commune of the Twilight Eagle
Enclave of Perfumed Earth Servants of the Idol The Eternal Sanctum Mothers of Dauntless Purity Conclave of Night Society for the Study of Aquatic Phenomena Brethren of Harmonious Shadow Black Alliance Of Tamschim The Spellmasters Union of Eurä The Fire & Water Society League of the Behemoth Kin of the False Stone Fraternity Of The Fiery Cowl The Onyx Hegemony Brothers of the Contorted Star Sanctum of the Violent Dawn The Sylvan Breath The Salient Shadow The Free Energy Syndicate League of Bright Transcendance The Clear Day Coalition Kin of Kharmic Discovery Eternal Sanctum Of Winter The Spiritual Fire Dawn of Luminous Gold |
Dungeon Quest [Review]
Dungeon Quest
by Joe Daly
Fantagraphics, 2010
As I often do, I picked up this graphic novel at random. The name intrigued me, as it implied AD&D gaming sessions, and also the figurine on the cover, which did not fit the name at all. It seemed more Pre-Columbian, Toltec maybe, except for that very big Brainiac head.
The head in question belongs to the titular character, Millennial Boy, who, being bored one day, decides on the spur of the moment to go on a quest, eliciting friends and collecting supplies and equipment on the way. His adventures have a Gen-X, slacker vibe, mixing the fantastic and the mundane. Instead of dungeons and feral wilderness Millennial Boy and his companions trek through vacant lots and back alleys, encountering petty thugs and Molelocs (a cross between orcs and moles.) It’s haphazard and good-natured in the way of underground comic artist R. Crumb. Millennial Boy is snarky and cynical — at times I expected him to betray or take advantage of his companions in pursuit of his own goals — but he’s actually a stauncher companion than you’d think, and someone whom you’d want along on a mythical quest, even if he is too assured that he knows the best for everyone else.
The artwork I found enjoyable. There is some nudity, chiefly penises, but it’s employed in service of the story. For example, Lash Penis, who serves as the generic Fighter of the group, is wounded and enters a Pool of Healing where he encounters a oneness with the universe. I was expecting, given the snarky tone of the story, some ironic punchline for this episode, but it was played straight, and oddly affecting because of it.
In this full-page pic the adventurers trek out of a stand of trees by a canal/sewer. It’s mundane, yet grandiose.
I’ll continue to follow these characters on their odd yet endearing quest.
Seeming Perfection
A crazed artist vented her rage at the mannequin’s seeming perfection.
Shortly she moved on to human subjects.
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