Fifth-Grade Zodiac

Being born in the shadow of the Baby Boomers, the interests of my older siblings and cousins were a big influence on my life, particularly those most popular of the Hippy arts: psychedelia and astrology.

I read every astrology book I could get my little hands on, but decided the signs could do with some improvement. So I created my own Zodiac, of fourteen months not twelve, and my own set of signs, of which five were animal, four celestial phenomena, and the rest sinister objects. I even drew a set of cards with the signs depicted in gur-roovy acid trip rainbow colors, as was still common in the mid-1970s, but my gur-roovy style of lettering left much to be desired in the way of legibility, so I’m recreating them here, childish errors intact. (I created my own planets to go along with the signs because the nine in our solar system had already been claimed.)



Month: January
Flower: Lily
Stone: Emerald
Animal: Whale
Bird: Loon
Fish: Angel fish
Color: Green
Ruling Planet: Cameiila

You are highly lithe and athletic. Your Personallity [sic] will conflict between friends.

No comment.



Month: February
Flower: Dogwood
Stone: Topaz
Animal: Bison
Bird: Robin
Fish: Manta
Color: Red-brown
Ruling Planet: Lianna

Born a Cadis you are truthful and fun-loving. You are very good at sports. Unfortunately you display your affection for people through violence.

Again, no comment.


Month: March
Flower: Honeysuckle
Stone: Spinel
Animal: Dolphin
Bird: Magpie
Fish: Siamese fighting fish
Color: Lilac
Ruling Planet: Simoon

Born a Uni you are a strong expressor [sic] of your rights. You are persistent. Unfortunately you are likely to be in bad health.

What a blow for people born in March.

(In an earlier version of this zodiac, the unicorn was an awkward fantasy creature I made up called a Clixnalon — a two-legged, bipedal antelope with feathered wings and a bird-of-paradise tail )

Month: April
Flower: Rose
Stone: Ruby
Animal: Lion
Bird: Chicken
Fish: Tuna
Color: Red
Ruling Planet: Coppercailie

Born a Vishini you are tolerant and patient. You are friendly. You are a gossip.

Why are the animal and bird of this sign both creatures commonly cooked for dinner?




Month: May
Flower: Bluebell
Stone: Diamond
Animal: Gnu
Bird: Crane
Fish: Flying Fish
Color: Blue
Ruling Planet: Sarina

Born a Grus you are friendly and active. You become bored easily and are often quite pickly,

Grus is an actual constellation. But it doesn’t lie on the ecliptic.

Month: June
Flower: Dogtooth
Stone: Opal
Animal: Bear
Bird: Eagle
Fish: Shark
Color: Violet
Ruling Planet: Belotsi

Born a Ki’ang you are agressive and a leader. You cannot tolerate stupidity. You are wise and loyal, but often hostile.

I created this sign after a prolonged period of fascination with the Aztecs. Later in life, I married one. But it didn’t last.

Month: July
Flower: Venus fly trap
Stone: Peridot
Animal: Coyote
Bird: None
Fish: Pilot fish
Color: Lt. Green
Ruling Planet: Senecca

Chingians are tricky people who can easily double-talk you. They make good thieves and are usually warm and loving.

I wonder what a carnivorous plant has to do with being a deceitful, warm, and loving thief.

Month: August
Flower: Anemone
Stone: Onyx
Animal: Snake
Bird: Osprey
Fish: Eel
Color: Yellow
Ruling Planet: Dole

Snake Children are very cunning and deceitful. They are usually graceful and lithe. They are thrifty and loving & caring.

I see that my fifth-grade analysis of those with a snake sign matches that of J. K. Rowling’s (Slytherin). But it’s harder to see how that co-exists with being thrifty and loving.

Month: September
Flower: Iris
Stone: Sapphire
Animal: Dragon
Bird: Vulture
Fish: Barracuda
Color: Deep Purple
Ruling Planet: Chicagonite

Dragon People are the king of the other sighns. [sic] They are loving, caring. 

I was born in September, so of course that month has the best write-up.

** Shows my Hawaiian influence, obviously.

Month: October
Flower: Pansy
Stone: Chrysoberl
Animal: Dog
Bird: Emu
Fish: Trout
Color: Gold
Ruling Planet: Alpha Centauri

Born a Quaser you are critical and a stay-at-home. You are very active and light-headed.

At my age then I didn’t quite understand what a quasar was. Only that the name sounded cool and had something to do with ultra-powered stars. The ruling planet is also the only space object that really exists (but it is a star and not a planet.) I’m not even gonna go into the four very disparate personality traits.



Month: November
Flower: Sunflower
Stone: Cat’s Eye Opal
Animal: Leopard
Bird: Owl
Fish: Shark
Color: Olive-brown
Ruling Planet: DEATH

Born a Scoptos you are solemn and quiet. You are a leader in many things. You are most likely fair and tall.

I cannot get over the fact the ruling planet of this sign is DEATH!!

Month: December
Flower: Sunflower
Stone: Ruby
Animal: Gazelle
Bird: Hummingbird
Fish: Ray
Color: Rose
Ruling Planet: Marina

You are highly dominating and attractive. Unfortunately your rude ways turn you off to many people.

This is the only personality description of all the signs that makes any sense.

Month: The thirteenth month
Flower: Concubine (I think I meant columbine)
Stone: Jade
Animal: Lygon (I think I meant liger)
Bird: Quetzalcoatl
Fish: Minnow
Color: Lt. Yellow
Ruling Planet: The sun rules you

As a Solal you are friendly and independent. You are never cold. You have a tendency to be stingy and greedy, and sensitive.

We are running into uncharted territory here with the addition of a thirteenth month. What season that month was in, I wasn’t sure. It was too heady a concept for me. So I simply let it lie with “the thirteenth month.”

Month: The fourteenth month
Flower: Crocus
Stone: Platinum
Animal: Giraffe
Bird: Hummingbird
Fish: Pukapuka (I meant the humuhumunukunukuāpua‘a, or reef triggerfish)
Color: All colors
Ruling Planet: Joma

Born a Rashi you are shy, sensitive and meat. You are a comfort and care.

My brain has been turned to mush by all this. How about yours?

But I adapted most of it as the zodiac system for the Escharne novels and stories.

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