Worldbuilding Wednesday
3/4/20:The Best of Twittersnips
xxxx(Magic Weapons)

Ehhh… it was okay.

One of the most enjoyable aspects of AD&D and similar games are all the magical weapons a player can use. At first level, you might be lucky, as a fighter character, to gain a +1 magic sword, axe, or dagger; as you progress, the weapons become more dangerous and exotic. At higher levels, you’re sporting Vorpal blades, Flametongue swords, and Holy Avengers. There are also cursed weapons that might make you cut off your own foot.

Culled from my twitter feed over the last three years, here are some favorites I created.

 

Magic Weapons

Arrow of Unity: When this item is brandished up high, all who see it will join together in a common cause, no matter what their previous goal or alignment was. It can only be used once.

Axe of Heartfelt Defense: This axe has no special attack or defense properties, but when the user wields it, they will be totally emotionally invested.

Bow of Adder Attack: Arrows shot with this weapon will turn into poisonous snakes when they reach their target.

Dagger of Angelic Defense: May only be used by evil beings in defense, not attack. Angels have an AC class of 10 regarding this weapon.

Dagger of Mangling: Not only kills an enemy, but mangles them beyond recognition.

Knife of Splitting Blows: Lets the wielder split one knife attack against two targets.

Mace of Berserk Slaying: Works as a +1 mace a few times, then makes the owner go berserk, killing everything in sight.

Sword of Spanking: Gives a +5 to attacks with the flat on a foe’s bare buttocks.

 

Sigue Sigue

This charming picture of Russian village life turns into a nightmare when you notice the burning figure in the background.

Worldbuilding Wednesday 2/26/20: Transformers Porn (NSFW)

The structure of Transformers names not only opens them up to parody, but also to a certain form of sexual parody. Let’s say somewhere fanfic, artwork and videos most certainly exist with these robots getting it on, or “Knockin’ pistons” as they might say, with all sorts of extraneous apparatus attached to their normally sexless bodies. If it hasn’t been an adult comedy sketch, it should be.

One of my personal fanfic favorites comes from the fanfic repository Archive of Our Own, which is known for liberal inclusion policies regarding sexual themes. The Domesticus series, authored by femme4jack, Saikiku, HopeofDawn, and TheFractured, offers a ton of them: rape, nonconsensual sex, hand jobs, oral sex, robot sex, threesomes, anal plugs, needles, forced orgasm, sexual slavery, torture, bodily fluids, size kink, violence, transformation, chemical warfare, voyeurism, blood, transforming butt plug (!), castration, fisting, and electrical torture.

It’s more of a hardcore porn and fetish technosex fanfic than a coherent novella, but a heady one. The Domesticus universe is loosely based on the Transformers cartoons and action movies and posits a dystopian future where a shattered Earth is ruled by Decepticons who enslave young human males to service their oily lusts. The robots being huge and the humans small, there’s a lot of ingenuity shown in getting the pistons going. I can’t tell if the authors are being 100% serious about what they write, or are laughing about pulling our collective legs. Either way it’s positively filthy, and also hilarious.

Before each chapter is a pseudo-serious excerpt from a human pet brochure written for the robot owner’s benefit:

Homo sapiens domesticus: care and feeding

Like any organics, Homo sapiens domesticus specimens require specialized fuel, atmosphere, and temperature ranges; however they are among the easiest organics to maintain on Cybertron. Fuel cubes are available at nominal cost. Unadulterated dihydrogen oxide must always be provided in liquid phase, but a proper enclosure is designed to purify and recycle approximately 97 percent of this water. Humans may be kept in groups of three or more; attempting to maintain a single human by itself is not recommended.

How can one not love a sense of humor like that?

Should the Transformers ever get around to producing their own adult movies, the actors in them would probably have names like these.

 

NSFW Transformers

Hotpinch

Tyrannowench

Ultrasnatch

Dynotitty

Doubledong

Synthescrew

Battlehooker

Thunder-69

Bladewhore

Gigahips

Cybercock

Giganads

Interthrust

Slutwarp

Meatjet

Front Loader

Steady Shot

Thigh-Tech

Crybondo

Nipplescan

Sky-Ho!

Porniron

Moonsprayer

Electrobitch

Suckshot

Phallustine

Buttplugger

Assitude

Pussypunt

Hot Piston

Panzersnatch

Kinetic Tickler

 

King Death

Classic.

Worldbuilding Wednesday 2/19/20: Female Transformers

The feminine but undeniably powerful Autobot Arcee, who could transform into a pink sports car.

For the first few years of its existence Transformers was strictly an all-male universe. By universe, I mean the line of toys, comics and cartoons in the US; there may have been some distaff members in the Japanese lines, which are traditionally more accepting of females in action roles. It was not until the mid-1980s that a female character, Nightbird, was featured in the cartoon. **  Appropriately for the gender roles of the time, she was a Decepticon. (Shades of Mata Hari?)

Shortly after this, a heroic female Autobot, Arcee, was introduced who could transform into a cool pink sports car. Unfortunately, she never became a main character in the cartoon or comic and didn’t even get her own action figure until years later. Think of the opportunity the toy manufacturers fumbled marketing a line of kick-ass, but feminine, robot dolls to girls.

It took decades for female Transformers to come to prominence. In recent years, Windblade, Chroma, and Codexa are receiving adventures of their own alongside the botboys.

In some alternate universe, female Transformers were there from the beginning and had their own toy line. Here’s some randomgenned names for them.

 

Female Transformers

Ballista

Cosmeena

Dreamblade

Enertrix

Galaxica Prim

Galveartha

Globella

Mechasong

Metalily

Miss Altitude

Motorflame

Planetaria

Plasmeena

Raptura

Motortrix

Novaspar

Novasynth

Paraflyer

Scorpiana

Spinnera

Steelpink

Synthtrine

Thermobow

Torqua

Toxina

Transparkle

Vectostar

Vitalina

** In the French version of the first Transformers cartoon, several male characters, including Starscream, were changed to females for unknown reasons.

Silly Centaur

Because he’s talking out his ass, that’s why.

Worldbuilding Wednesday 2/12/20: Rejected Transformers

In addition to the toy lines and TV series, Transformers had a successful comic book run. Not surprising as Marvel helped create them.

As the picture above ** suggests, some Transformers just never made the grade. Since part of the fun of them are those oh-so-easily parodied names, here’s a list of those Autobots and Decepticons who never should have been born. I’ll call them Aborticons.

 

Aborticons

Cosmiclutter

Dirtbag

Lumplizard

Dinofart

Kittenstrike

Hysteridemic

Crunkbrawl

Skysnort

Menhonk

Hypimple

Moonbacon

Polyfluff

Thunderstool

Mouthbreather

Neurotoast

Hydrogutter

Gunkhead

Transpanic

Hamscorch

Nitrosplat

Necropissant

Acceleraver

Lousebite

Electrasnot

Jetwaffle

Unimuddle

Blitzmew

Battleglob

Toastette

Plasmapunk

** They are robots. Why do they need pink, fleshy tongues?

Go away, don’t bug me.

Artwork by Dan Hillier

Worldbuilding Wednesday 2/5/20: Transformers

Starscream of the Decepticons. He transformed into a jet.

Do you know American President Ronald Reagan is to thank for the success of the Transformers franchise?

In the early 1980s Hasbro executives noticed a line of Japanese toys called the Diaclones, which were robots that transformed into vehicles. They thought the concept had merit, so the company licensed them to be sold in the States with a new name and new backstory. The cool but faceless robots became two warring factions from Planet Cybertron, the good-aligned Autobots and the Evil Decepticons, both marooned on Earth after a battle and awakened from stasis by an erupting volcano. They were given names like Megatron, Optimus Prime, Ratchet and Buzzsaw by a team from Marvel comics, who also developed their backstory.

Where does Ronald Reagan come in, do you ask? Before 1980, there were restrictions on children’s TV advertising for the protection of young minds (and parent’s wallets) that studies said were unable to tell the difference between a character in a cartoon and that same character in a commercial. This made sense when animated favorites like the Flintstones regularly shilled cigarettes and other vices, but Reagan no longer saw the need for such restrictions. He lifted the ban, opening the toy market up to half-hour commercials disguised as TV series. The rest, as children of the 1980s know, is history.

(Not only the Transformers benefited from such a cross promotion. GI Joe, My Little Pony, the Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake and He-Man all developed series or specials of their own. )

Transformer proper names were unrelentingly macho, cobbled together from the names of tools, car and computer parts, and rocket and jet terminology. This February I will be running wild with them. For today, here’s a list of Transformer names that don’t sound too far out of the ordinary. If you’re writing fanfic, one of these would do for an original character. Or perhaps you need a name for a Transformers-like clone for your own work.

 

Transformers

Autobots

Omnitron

Megaminder

Hot Loader

Cyclosting

Hypergy

Astrohawk

Magnofoil

Lunalator

Gammafire

Scramblesynch

Polarflip

Thermothunder

Plasmatank

Quasister

Isonotron

Decepticons

Scarshatter

Stargoblin

Unijacker

Megastomp

Tyrannihopper

Starscreech

Catapincer

Gigasnitch

Moonwrack

Nitrofist

Hot Fusion

Punchbar

Vertiblast

Unihurl

Technomuter

 

Airbender

Most people know the term Airbender from the anime, but it’s also English slang meaning one who has just laid a big fart.